Man Retreat 2009.


Maranatha Chapel is planning their Man Retreat 2009 for this May, and they needed a really cool theme. I can only imagine the planning went something like this:

(The following exchange is purely fictional, but sadly, the end result is not)

Hip and Relevant Pastor: We need something to attract the men to our summer retreat. Something manly that men like. Any ideas?

Church Marketing Team: Football? Powertools? Cars? Wrestling? Cable television? Action movies? Lawnmow–

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Wait, what did you say?

Church Marketing Team: Lawn mowers?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: No, before that?

Church Marketing Team: Action movies?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Before that.

Church Marketing Team: Cable tv?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Um, no, I believe it was before that too.

Church Marketing Team: Wrestling?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Bingo!

Church Marketing Team: I think the Catholics have the market cornered with Bingo, sir, and besides that only attracts old people who like hymns and stuffy stuff.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: No, I meant ‘bingo’ as in that’s it!

Church Marketing Team: What’s it?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Wrestling!

Church Marketing Team: Wrestling?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Yes. Men love wrestling.

Church Marketing Team: Uh, sir, with all do respect, many men are not fond of wrestling.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: This is true, but the kind of men that we want to attract and keep do.

Church Marketing Team: True.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: So we need to somehow incorporate ‘wrestling’ into our theme for our upcoming men’s retreat.

Church Marketing Team: How about we slap a scripture verse on it somewhere?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Excellent idea! Quick, someone get a concordance and look up the word “wrestling.”

Church Marketing Team: Here! Ephesians 6:12.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Perfect fit. Now we need to provide a whole array of fun things to do because after all, men who are attracted to wrestling can’t possibly have depth to their personality nor that long of an attention span.

Church Marketing Team: Uh, you do realize that you just insulted the very core group our marketing strategy is targeted at, don’t you?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: I’m just making a point that if we’re going to keep these men we have to feed them with what we baited them with, mainly shallow entertainment.

Church Marketing Team: Point taken. Do you have any ideas of what activities we can have at our church men’s retreat to keep them entertained?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: How about wrestling.

Church Marketing Team: Duh, why didn’t we think of that one?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: And food, gotta have lots of food ’cause men like to eat.

Church Marketing Team: Archery?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Good idea. What about horseback riding?

Church Marketing Team: Are you serious?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: I’m the pastor.

Church Marketing Team: Copy, horseback riding it is.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Men like shooting stuff don’t they?

Church Marketing Team: They certainly do. Let’s have paintball!

Hip and Relevant Pastor: I was thinking more along the lines of skeet shooting.

Church Marketing Team: Who says we can’t have both? After all, it’s our church isn’t it?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Right you are.

Church Marketing Team: Well I think that this will be great. We’ll slap some image of a wrestler on the ad (preferably from a popular Hollywood movie) and our church men’s retreat ad will be perfect.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Well, as a pastor, I think we need to Christianize the ad just a little more.

Church Marketing Team: What do you suggest?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: How about something that has to do with church?

Church Marketing Team: Hmmmm.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: [Silence]

Church Marketing Team: [Silence]

Hip and Relevant Pastor: How about something along the lines of salvation?

Church Marketing Team: Good idea.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: But nothing too preachy.

Church Marketing Team: How about “Come learn about God’s salvation, found in none other than Jesus Christ and His substitutionary death on the cross.”

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Are you kidding? Do you not want people to show up to this retreat or not? Do you wanna lose church members and watch attendance go down?

Church Marketing Team: Uh, no.

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Than don’t suggest such and narrow, close-minded, uncool idea.

Church Marketing Team: Ok, how about “Because we wanna talk about salvation ‘n’ stuff“?

Hip and Relevant Pastor: Now you’re talking. Don’t make that part too big either.

And there you have it.

HT: Slice of Laodicea

8 thoughts on “Man Retreat 2009.

  1. No wonder I can’t come up with this kind of stuff; I don’t have a marketing team at the church to help me.

    I am not hip or relevant either.

    So I guess I’ll just be Biblical.


  2. Hi John,

    Yes, I’m born again. My sins have been washed away by the blood of Jesus. Thanks for asking. Did you know that’s my favorite question?



  3. Well, I am not a pastor, so I can’t be hip or relevant either, so I think I will just stick with the truth of God’s word!!! Seriously, this is what we see inside the all around us in the church of today. The church today is like the Laodiceans that John talks about in the book of Revelation. This all reminds me of II Timothy chapter 3:

    1Know this also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. 2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, 4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
    5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. 6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, 7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

    You just can’t see that this is not the truth of what is happening today, especially after listening to those sermons that Pilgrim puts up of that Pastor Escalera guy.


  4. John,

    We are commanded to examine ourselves to make sure we’re in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5). The Bible provides us certain doctorinal tests, like:
    – Do we believe in only one God?
    – Do we believe Jesus physically rose from the dead?
    And there are other such qualifiers.

    Other than that, we should ask ourselves whether we hate our sin, and whether we’re growing in holiness. Also, the Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we ar children of God.

    Your questions are making me curious. Why are you asking me in particular, and why on this post? Are you born again?



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