Happy 100!

The following parody (or sad commentary) comes from Tom In The Box:

This past Sunday Jake Krenshaw celebrated the number “100.” No, that is not his age, neither has he been a Christian for one-hundred years. The number also does not represent how many people he has “won to salvation.” For Krenshaw, rather, the number “100” is significant because that is how many times he has “walked the aisle” at his home church, Chapel Hill Baptist Church, and gotten “saved.”

“I think I’ve finally got it right this time,” said a smiling Krenshaw. “This is the 100th time that I’ve responded to the invitation, and this time it’s for real. I really got saved this time.”

The journey of faith began for Krenshaw back in 1995 when he first “walked the aisle” at Chapel Hill Baptist. He was baptized for the first time the following Sunday. But it was within a couple of weeks that Krenshaw began to have serious doubts that he had been sincere, so he again “walked the aisle” and again was baptized the following week. From that point on any time Krenshaw has had the slightest doubt he has “walked the aisle” and received the invitation. As a result, he has been now been “saved” 100 times and has been baptized 93 times.

For Krenshaw the struggle with assurance of “genuine salvation” is rooted in his inability to see evidence of true faith.

“The reason I felt that I wasn’t saved this time goes back to last week actually,” he said. “I was flipping through the channels on Thursday evening when I came across an old rerun of Seinfeld. Well, they made dirty comment on the show, and I actually laughed at it. I knew that a saved person wouldn’t laugh at such a thing. So I determined right then and there that I was going to get my soul right, that when the preacher offered the invitation on Sunday that I was going to truly accept it this time.”

Since getting “saved” this past Sunday Krenshaw states that this week his life has been a virtual “bed of roses,” free from all temptation and “big sins.”

“Now that I’ve finally gotten saved,” he said, “I don’t have those old temptations to big sins anymore. I’ve been completely free from any desires to do what is wrong.”

Many, though, in Krenshaw’s congregation are skeptical as to whether this will be his last time to “walk the aisle.”

“Every time Jake so much as blinks the wrong way he thinks he’s not really saved,” said a church member who wished to remain anonymous. “Several of us even have a pool going to see when he’s going to walk the next time.”

If all goes according to plan, Krenshaw will be baptized for the 94th time this weekend.

“I know the drill by now,” said Krenshaw. “I know just when to hold my breath and how to lean back when I’m dunked. I’d say I’m pretty experienced at it.”

When asked if he thought he would ever have to “walk the aisle” again he replied, “as long as they can play fourteen verses of Just As I Am I’ll always have that option open to me.”

Billy talks to his pastor

This is a priceless, funny conversation between a humble, inquisitive child (the sort of which Christ tells us His kingdom is made of) and his falsely assured pastor who has – no doubt – been trained at a Southern Baptist seminary.

Enjoy :-)  From: http://thelightheartedcalvinist.com/

Billy Talks to His Pastor about God

John Pedersen

from The Trinity Review, July 1997


Billy: “Pastor, does God love everybody?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy” (smiles, pats him on the head).

Billy: “How come it says in Romans 9 that he hated Esau?”

Pastor: “Been reading your Bible, huh, Billy?” (still smiles). “Well, the Bible also says that God hates, but that only is talking about God’s secret decree, and as far as we are concerned, he loves everybody.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “If God tells us about his secret decree, is it still a secret?”

Pastor: “Er, well, I guess . . . not, Billy, but I meant that we should realize that there is a way the Bible talks about God’s love for everybody, and that’s what we should think about, not the one or two places where it says God hates.”

Billy: “Oh. How is it that God loves everybody?”

 

Pastor: “Well, he gives everybody rain and sunshine, and he blesses the people of the Earth with a conscience so they know right from wrong, and he has given them many gifts which they use to make the world a better and safer place to live.”

Billy: “Then he sends most of them to Hell?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “Is it love for God to give people good things for a few years to make them feel comfortable and worthwhile, and then send them to Hell?”

Pastor: “Well, I . . . yes, it . . . is, I think because it would have been worse if, I mean it would be, um, well, it is, I guess, because he did not send them directly to Hell, but he allowed them to experience his goodness and his provision for his creatures. . . .”

Billy: “Is it love to let someone experience something good they will remember forever and always hate God for, because that good thing they loved more than forgiveness?”

Pastor: “Could we change the subject, Billy? I am not sure my answers are satisfying you.”

Billy: “O.K., Pastor. Did Jesus die for everybody?”

Pastor: “Why, sure, Billy.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “If Jesus died for everybody, why isn’t everybody going to Heaven?”

Pastor: “Well, Billy, it’s because not everybody will accept him.”

Billy: “But, Pastor, I thought Jesus saved us. You are telling me that we save Jesus.”

Pastor (laughing nervously): “Of course not, Billy! I believe that Jesus saves us completely! However would you get the idea that I believed we save Jesus?”

Billy: “Well, Pastor, you told me that Jesus died for everybody, and that only those who accept him will be saved. So, this means Jesus’ death and resurrection, what Jesus does, cannot save us of itself, but something more is needed, and that something more is what we do by accepting him. For those who do not accept Jesus, they will perish. That means that Jesus’ dying for them cannot help them. In fact, it means that Jesus’ work for them was a miserable failure. On the other hand, those who accept him make his work effective by their acceptance—they save his work from being a failure. Without us, Jesus and his work of salvation would be doomed! If Jesus cannot save us without the permission we give of our own free will, then we are the real saviors, and Jesus is the one we save! Wow! What would he ever do without us?!”

Pastor: “Er . . . uh . . . that’s not what I mean. I mean if, it is , I said . . . no, I believe Jesus is the one who does the saving, Billy, it’s just that . . . God has made it so that we . . . are free to acc . . . meaning, we are, are . . . Billy, the Bible is mysterious. It seems to mean certain things, but it doesn’t really, like it says . . . you are using logic, Billy. The Bible is not logical and the truths are not something we can fit into our human minds.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor (now showing a slight frown): “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “When you say the Bible is not logical, does that mean the Bible does not make sense? ‘Cause you made sense when you said the Bible wasn’t logical. I think it was because you used logic that you made sense.”

Pastor (now glowering at Billy): “No, Billy, I didn’t mean the Bible does not make sense. It does make sense, but just not our kind of sense.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “Why would God give a Bible to us that did not make our kind of sense?”

Pastor: “Well, Billy, it’s not that . . . I think it’s . . . it makes sense, just does not give us the answers we like to hear, and says things that seem contradictory but really are not, to keep us from asking smart-aleck questions.”

Billy: “So, God doesn’t make our kind of sense to keep us humble?”

Pastor: “That’s right, Billy. God wants to keep us humble, so he does not let us think we can be absolutely certain about the things some proud people are certain about.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor: “Yes, Billy.”

Billy: “Are you certain about what you just said to me?”

Pastor (showing obvious irritation): “What do you think, Billy?”

Billy: “I think you just called yourself a proud person, but I don’t know why, ’cause you are so smart and know so much about God, and how much he needs us.”

Pastor: “Billy, why don’t you go out and play, like the other children?”

Billy: “Why should I go out and play, when I can stay in here with you and learn how to save God?”

Pastor: “You need to be careful, Billy. I never said we save God. You are the one who said that, remember. I simply believe our choices are significant, and God does not treat us like robots. He created us to have true human responsibility.”

Billy: “Pastor?”

Pastor (now looking quite angry): “This will have to be the last question, young man! I have important things to do and you should be outside playing.”

Billy: “When God put Abraham to sleep, was he telling him what he thought of his ‘human responsibility’?”

Pastor (seething): “I have a bad headache, Billy, and I can’t answer any more of your questions, but I can tell you this. Whoever has been teaching you has been telling you things a boy your age should not even be thinking about. It sounds like you have been learning some kind of hyper-Calvinism! You better be careful, young man!”

Billy: “I don’t know about hyper-Calintisim, but I have been reading these things in the Bible. Thanks for straightening me out. I will try to cut these bad parts out. Can I borrow some scissors?”

Pastor (rising from his chair): “Get out of here, you, you, you . . . !”

Billy: “That’s O.K., Pastor. I’ll ask Joey. He was using some good scissors when we were cutting out our ‘friends with Jesus’ pictures for Sunday school. Good-bye.”


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Top Ten Reasons Not to Join A Reformed Baptist Church

Top Ten Reasons Not to Join A Reformed Baptist Church 

Dr. James White has some pretty honest reasons why, if you are shopping for a local Christian fellowship, you may want to dismiss a Reformed Baptist Church. You tell ‘em Doc.

  1. You don’t get to leave after every sermon feeling good about yourself. You may even desire repentance.
  2. You don’t get to hear the sermons in the same way you may be used to. It’s frequently verse by verse, maybe not even relevant to your current situation.
  3. You don’t get to be entertained. We don’t want to entertain you.
  4. You don’t get to go to church every weeknight for programs. We don’t have ‘em.
  5. You don’t get to be ‘lost in the crowd’. We tend to have accountability to one another.
  6. You don’t get to hear social commentary. Sermons are mostly biblical and serious.
  7. We’re not considered ‘seeker-friendly’. We don’t believe in seekers. Apart from regeneration, they don’t exist.
  8. You’re asked to apply the sermons to your life.
  9. You’re asked to attend services regularly, to support your elders in prayer and give sacrificially to the advance of the Gospel.
  10. You will experience conviction of sin with regularity.

Listen to the whole message here.

HT: http://5ptsalt.com/