Rewriting Acts – A Relevant Perspective

In light of all the editions and revisions being made to the Word of God in recent years, we understand much of this has been done to suit the belief system of the editors. With that in mind as well as recent events such as Ravi at the Mormon Tabernacle and Driscoll at the Crystal Cathedral, we recommend the following changes. We are certain these will be much more in keeping with the issue of relevancy and contextualization. In addition, it will ensure that people like all those meanies, judgmental Pharisee-types here at DefCon will have to close shop for they will no longer have a Biblical leg to stand on.

In each example, we will start with the original and then put in the suggested revision to match what we are seeing and hearing today.

Let’s start with Acts 2:22, 23, 36, 37 – “22 Men of Israel, hear these words: Jesus of Nazareth, a Man attested by God to you by miracles, wonders, and signs which God did through Him in your midst, as you yourselves also know– 23 Him, being delivered by the determined purpose and foreknowledge of God, you have taken by lawless hands, have crucified, and put to death; 36 Therefore let all the house of Israel know assuredly that God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ. 37 Now when they heard this, they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, ‘Men and brethren, what shall we do?'”

REWRITE – “22 Hey dudes, listen up: Jesus of Nazareth, who claimed to be God did some really cool things that some people might call miracles and then told us that God did it through Him. Well, you guys are smart enough to figure out for yourselves whether that was the case or not. 23 At any rate, you guys have heard about Him before, if nothing else, you use His name all the time at the workplace. Well, the Romans put Him on a cross because He was like, well, um, you know, He was making the kind-hearted, very religious, good-upright Jews unhappy and He even tried to start a few riots. 36 Well, this same Man Who got crucified also claimed to be both Lord and the Christ. We want all you guys to follow Him because after all when you reach the end of your current journey, He will be there to greet all of us with open arms. 37 So when the multitude heard the nice things that the apostles said, they decided to invite them back again to the next Jerusalem conference knowing they could trust these men not to confuse the issues. They knew that these men were not going to rock the boat and demand they do nasty things like repentance. They knew they wouldn’t call them down for their sins but would instead seek to lift up their self-esteem. 42 Because of the really cool programs, and the worldly music they offered at the First Church of Jerusalem, and the contextualized messages that encouraged their depravity such as “Biblical Sex for 40 Days Except the Sabbath” the church grew exponentially and was featured on all the late-night talk shows from Jerusalem to Asia Minor.”

Example 2 – Acts 7:51-55, “51 You stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears! You always resist the Holy Spirit; as your fathers did, so do you. 52 Which of the prophets did your fathers not persecute? And they killed those who foretold the coming of the Just One, of whom you now have become the betrayers and murderers, 53 who have received the law by the direction of angels and have not kept it.” 54 When they heard these things they were cut to the heart, and they gnashed at him with their teeth. 55 But he, being full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.”

REWRITE – Example 2 – Acts 7:51-55, “51 Listen up fellows. I am not here to offend you in anyway, but you know we have all done a few things we shouldn’t have done in our lives, and I’m sure there are times we all ignore what the Holy Spirit is trying to get us to do, but hey, after all, we are only human and God understands this. 52 There are some people who didn’t treat the old preachers very well, but I’m sure it wasn’t any of you guys or your ancestors. In fact, history tells us that some people just didn’t understand the prophets and tried to get rid of them, but some of the prophets just weren’t with the program anyway. Well, one or two of those old guys told us that Jesus was coming, and He came. He was a really good guy and hung out with really cool guys like our friend Peter. 53 Jesus told us that we have to just learn to love each other and don’t judge, so who am I to tell you what you need to do. 54 When the gathered nice group of people heard these wonderful things they invited Stephen to be the new president of the Jerusalem Ministerial Association. He was then able to go about preaching more of the great news that “Jesus loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.” 55 When Stephen saw how much everybody liked him, he cut a lucrative book deal with Jerusalem Christian Bookpress entitled, “49 Days of Learning to Become a Better Religious You.” His ministry expanded to both Europe and Asia, and he was able to walk about with his head held high knowing that he was accepted in every major religious establishment.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE — Personally, I think it will be a best seller and rewriting church history will be the best thing that could happen for Western Christianity Religiosity. Sadly, there are a few downfalls. True Bible believing Christians will reject it as false, but they are in the minority and it won’t affect book sales as most who claim to be Christians are unlearned when it comes to true doctrine anyway. Secondly, this material probably won’t go over to well with the church members that are being persecuted for their faith. However, I’m sure somebody will find a way to make it culturally accepted and the church will probably expand and still be able to get along with the local governments when they stop being so particular about what they will preach. After all, no government could have an issue with Christians preaching the new message of “love yourself”, “build your self-esteem”, and “We never condemn anybody for God wants you just as you are and we don’t care if you stay that way because that is between you and God.”

PS – Not sure how we can rewrite the persecuting parts of Acts like Paul and Silas in prison, but I’m sure any number of modern preachers could help so that it makes us all look better in the end.

PS2 – Stay tuned for the rewrite for the Health, Wealth, and Prosperity Gospel edition.

7 thoughts on “Rewriting Acts – A Relevant Perspective

  1. That is so funny, but sad because it’s so true.

    More and more I thank God for faithful preachers of His Word who have no regard for the applause of men.

  2. Even a lot of comments received from people on Defcon talk about what a great job the team is doing….. BUT! They then go on to try and rewrite what the Bible says according to what they want to see! It’s very sad because they seem to think that their special idol they have does not have to abide by the Word of God. Everyone else does, of course!

  3. This reminds me of a feature I used to have over at my own blog–the “Fake Translation of the Week.” I would take a verse or passage that was opposed to some false teaching and rewrite it to say what it would have to say to support the teaching.

    I say, dear friend, you have truly captured the essence of the “Fake Translation.” And have sent a dagger into the heart of relevance! Many thanks!!

  4. I too remember 4Pointer’s Fake Translation posts. Whatever happened to them? Now you have competition!

    Hey Desert Pastor, do you take requests? I’d like to see how modern Churchianity translates these three texts:

    Matthew 7:13-14
    Matthew 7:22-23
    Hebrews 10:31

    And by the way, you guys write this stuff in jest, however there’s a “translation” out there called The Message that is actually trying to be legit. Even Rick Warren quotes from it.

    Check out this post to see if you can guess where in the Bible I quoted The Message from. You may actually be perplexed.

    – The Pilgrim

  5. Manfred:

    I fixed it. Now you have to click a link to find out the real verse.

    It’s amazing when you think that this actually passes as a legitimate “Bible” in some churches. And it’s even more amazing when America’s most popular pastor uses it. Perhaps that’s part of the reason why he’s so popular.

    – The Pilgrim

  6. Pilgrim,

    I have a friend who is a serious student of the Word of God – despite being a dispy – and he sells Logos software to boot; and he considers “the Message” to a Bible. I cannot wrap my mind around his logic. When he teaches folks how to study, he is emphatic that one use a formal equivalence translation, noting that NIV is the best paraphrase but still a paraphrase (though it’s really a dynamic translation). He puts that other thing on the far end of the paraphrase group but still within the family.

    sigh barf and so on

    Warren is so popular for the same reason Joel Osteen is – they are home in the world and the world loves its own.

    Here’s a clip from the news a couple years ago, when the pagan paper nailed the truth: http://brogdensmuse.menofhonorministry.org/Apologetics/Truth_in_the_News.htm

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